can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
