theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
