fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
ugly people sure do ruin things
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
