I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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