he thought i was a dude.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We talked him into tasing himself.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My feet surprised me
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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