I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
