Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
