I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
