My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
