guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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