I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I intend to get homeless drunk
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
