I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
