I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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