I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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