If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
