tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
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I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
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I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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