there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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