i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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