Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
