You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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