I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
