"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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