I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You have to summon your inner elephant
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
