i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
