omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
