Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
