what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
