Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
