Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I miss vodka workout Fridays
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i think i just lost a toe
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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