he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
