sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
