Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
