my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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