I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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