2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
he high fived his dick after we had sex
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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