ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Randomize
