I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
