The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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