I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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