there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
