On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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