FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
