i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
