My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
