Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
