Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
