Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Randomize
