I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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