is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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