it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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