Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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