I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
