I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
