at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
