I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
