Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
