do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My ass is underappreciated
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
