we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
